ANGER

A Christian survivor recently emailed me and said, "I feel like I am losing control of this really strong anger and sorrow that I feel." If you're feeling that same way, let me try to help you.

First, I'd like to make a suggestion ... get alone somewhere when you have a few hours to "be a mess" ... take a notebook with you and make notes of significant things you want to log. Date it and from this day forward you will write in it daily. This will be healing for you and will start your new direction in the HEALING process. You've allowed grief to "take residence" with you. It's planted itself deep inside you and now you have to evict it.

Grief is a tunnel we walk through, not a place we camp out at and set up an address. When you settled in, grief planted itself in you. Now you have to uproot it. Gather your things and move to a new address. Does that make sense to you?

First, talk to Jesus ... you can do this all by yourself. Repent for the anger and deep grief and ask Him to help you rid yourself of it. Being hurt, crying, missing them, etc. is a normal part of what we have to work through. But you have allowed grief to take over your life, that's the difference- that's what you're repenting for. And for the anger. Close your eyes and picture yourself laying all your garbage at the foot of the cross. Then picture yourself walking away from it, never to pick it up again. Tell the Lord that you are choosing life (in the Bible God said, 'I set before you life and death, choose life') so you are choosing life, and you are going to lay the anger and the grief down on purpose. When you see yourself walk away from it, it will do something on the inside of you... you'll see.

An aside here: When I was in the most difficult part of my pain after Rob died, I was praying one night... it was one of those nights that I told the Lord, "You have to help me through tonight or I won't make it." He gave me some instructions that I followed, and it did wonders for me! I closed my eyes and pictured myself crawling up on His lap. Then I pictured Him holding me as I wept. I cried until I was spent, and then I saw Him hug me. I pictured myself thanking Him and leaving. Words cannot explain what that did. THAT'S how you "give it to God."

Most adults have this mistaken concept that our imagination is meant for childhood only. God gave us an imagination so we can dream, reach higher, make changes, grow..... and even heal. Most people that are really successful in life (movie stars, the wealthy, those with great accomplishments) use this same technique to push themselves higher. The world calls it the law of attraction. The Bible tells us "As a man thinks in his heart, so is he." You have to "see" it before you can do/be it. Jesus preached it for many years before the world called it "The Law of Attraction".

Now the next step is to understand that anger is a choice. People cannot make you mad unless you let them. So that cuts off the blaming others. Once the ball is 100% in your court, and only you are responsible for it.... freedom can come! If there is no one but you that's responsible, then YOU can change it. I used to tell my daughters, "why let gossip bother you? If it's not true, ignore them. Would you get mad if someone spread a story that your skin was blue." "No, because it's not." "Well, if what they are saying isn't true, why would you own it through anger? Let it roll off in the same way you would if they were saying you are here from mars." It's not what they do that brings the anger on. It's OUR RESPONSE to them. So you need to choose to act, not react.

As far as being angry with the one that suicided, that is understandable. As survivors our lives were drastically changed forever, and we had no vote in the matter. Finding a healthy way to work through that anger is vital to your healing. Sometimes people are angry at the situation, but they don't have anywhere to 'aim' that anger so they get angry at others. Sort out what you really feel, and why.

Example: when you feel anger building, stop and sort it out. What is the real root of this anger? Is it hurt? Rejection? Fear? Am I angry at something that is not connected to the real root of the issue? Dig deep and find the answer, then you have a place to start so you can resolve it.

In resolving anger toward the one that suicided or hating how your life has changed, you have to begin to accept that this is how it is now. It's not fair, but it's still your reality. It's a process and will take some time and hard work, but it will be worth it. You have to remind yourself that his or her thinking was not rational when they took their life, and choose to forgive them for what it has done to change your life.

Like all the other issues in the aftermath of a suicide, it's a matter of processing it and accepting that this is how it is now and you cannot go back. Only then can we begin to look to our future and stop clinging to yesterday's. Dig deep to find the fight in you, and reclaim your life. YOU are worth it

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