* She will blame herself, and this is normal. That's an issue only she can work through, and all survivors have to do that. In her head she may know she isn't to blame, but it will take time to convince her heart. Allow her to work through it.

* And please, NEVER say to a survivor, "it's time to get over it" or "you have to go on with your life now." It will only distance you. They will never get over it. They have to learn how to live with it, and learning that is a process. It takes time. Also, please don't say things like "He's in a better place now." That sounds so cliché' and mechanical, and it usually only makes us mad.

* This isn't anything you can "fix", so please don't try to. Sometimes just sitting beside her and letting her cry will do wonders. As much as you hate to see her hurt, it's something she will have work through herself. Just be there for her. Silence is OK sometimes, too.

* At this point survival is not a sure thing to her, but she's in too much shock to make a decision about it all. Let her know you're there, but don't pressure her. I had a buddy that came over and took me out to dinner a of couple times. I was feeling very quiet (because he didn't understand, and I knew that) and we would just sit there watching people, me wiping tears off my cheek, and not saying a word. Then he'd take me home and leave. I really needed that. I wasn't expected to "do" anything; I was just allowed to be whatever I needed to be. THAT'S a real friend!

* Somewhere around the 3rd month the shock will wear completely off, the "fog" will lift, and she will be zapped back to the very beginning of this grieving process. She may feel like she did a 'free fall' right back to day one. That's normal. People that start telling her to "get over it" and "go on with life" will only build walls. Trust me, she would if she could!!!

*From around the 3rd month it will be a real hard road, with many ups and downs. Birthdays (hers and his) will be hard, as well as holidays and the death date anniversary. It will help to be mindful of that. It will take anywhere from 6 months to another year to find real hope again. For a parent it may take two years to "regain a normal life."

* Something important for you to know that very few people understand.. if you mention her son it will not cause her pain. The loudest cry from a survivor is "they won't let me talk about him!" or "They change the subject" and "No one mentions him except me. How can he just be forgotten?" You need to know that he is on her mind at all times. She won't have a single thought that isn't connected to him for several months. If you mention his name and she cries, it's NOT because you said something to hurt her. The tears are ALWAYS there- she just released some of them. This is important for a survivor, so please don't make it more painful by denying her the times she needs to talk about him.

I have an online support group that is wonderful. I am the founder, and it's survivors talking through the issues connected with suicide that no one can understand except those dealing with it. As compassionate as you may be, and even if you love her- you still can't REALLY understand the issues. It's not at all unusual for a survivor to, herself, become suicidal in the first year or two after the loss. I strongly urge her to get into some sort of support group for survivors. I have some people in my group that were in therapy for months (some even years) and getting nowhere, but just a few weeks in this group and they are already feeling a big change.

The best part of the support group is that you find out all the things you are going through are normal. I thought I was honestly losing my mind when my son died. When I got my group going and found out that everything I was feeling (and thinking I was so odd about) were normal- what a relief that was!! And best of all, I found out you DO get through it. It just takes time.

Encourage her to read my web site, and others like it. It will not only show how much you care, but she will know that there are others here for her.

Thanks for being a friend that cares. Sometimes a simple thing like a card, a hug, or even just a smile can make all the difference in the world!!

This story sums it up better than anything else I can say: