Are you really struggling with guilt? I think this is the toughest battle for most survivors to win. Please be kind to you, and know that suicide isn't about how much we loved them, or didn't love them. Suicide is about them.  Read this great poem:

Three vital parts of your healing:

1. Forgive others:
Forgive anyone you are blaming for any part of this death. If you don't it will impede your healing and also cause health problems for you at a later time.

2. Forgive the deceased:
Forgive them for all the changes thrust into your life that you had no vote in. Forgive them for all they have hurt, and all the things their absence will affect in the future.

3. Forgive yourself:
Forgive yourself for any part you feel you may have played in this death. It's so easy to judge what we should have done back then with the information we have now- but it's not at all fair to us. We did the best we knew to do with the information we had at that time. We've made mistake in all our relationships, so why should this one be different?
  © Louise Wirick 2006

 

Dear Harriet,

Two years ago my younger brother, David, killed himself on his twenty second birthday. My mother is still overcome with guilt and remorse. To be honest, she has good reason to feel responsible for David's death because she always criticized him, and cut him off entirely several years ago. Could she have caused his suicide?

Dear Reader,

A suicide is a profoundly devastating event that sends emotional shock waves through a family for years, decades, and even generations to come. Every family member needs help dealing with such a traumatic loss- not just your mother.

Mothers are often the hardest hit by the death of a child, and your family may be no exception. Your mother- like all parents- might have made mistakes in parenting for which she rightfully feels guilty. But she is NOT responsible for your brothers death. If anyone bears the ultimate responsibility for David's suicide, that person is David.

Countless children grow up in families where they are subjected to unspeakable violence and rejection, and the majority of these children do not respond by killing themselves. Furthermore, suicide- like any dysfunctional or desperate behavior- also occurs in families where there is no lack of love.

Although numerous theories are put forth on the cause of suicide, we know relatively little about the complex, multiple factors that predispose a particular individual to suicidal behavior. We do know that suicide is not "caused" by one family member, nor can it be understood by focusing narrowly on a particular relationship within the family. Similarly, a family member cannot keep alive someone who is determined to die.

In the aftermath of suicide, or any other tragedy or untimely loss, it is normal for family members to ask, 'is someone to blame?' Blaming can be overt or it can be subtle and indirect. Because those left to deal with a loved one's suicide can never obtain all the facts or reconstruct the complete picture, fantasies about it's cause will flourish wildly.

You and other interested family members might benefit from consulting with a family systems therapist. This process can help you move away from distancing and blaming so that you gain a more objective perspective on David's suicide and support one another at this difficult time.

Your mother might gain much from reading the autobiographical book Stronger Than Death by Sue Chance, MD. (This is on our R2H book page) This respected psychiatrist provides a moving and plainspoken account for her emotional journey following her son's suicide. Since approximately 50,000 people a year commit suicide in the United States, your mother need not feel alone with her feelings of profound guilt and grief.

Harriet Goldhor Lerner, Ph. D. New Woman magazine - May 1992

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